Listen. I've been playing the I-want-to-do-something-with-my-life/I-want-to-go-have-a-beer-with-my-friends/I-want-it-all game too long. Now maybe I'm not one of the best bloggers. Writing on the internet is getting to be quite the professional gig and sometimes I just spew out my thoughts. But let's say you guys paid me to do this. Or not even you guys. What if we got some strangers, people I've never heard of or from in my life, to pay me, and then we all sat back and relaxed and had a good laugh. It would be great, because: - I'd get in shape. There'd be no more of this running to the gym at 7 a.m., when I barely have time to stretch after doing a half-assed workout on the elliptical before I have to start thinking about driving back home to get in the shower, throw on some clothes and get to work with my hair mostly wet and then looking like some kind of river animal upon arriving because I chose to drive with the window down and the wind's blown that side of my head into an awesome, totally awesome, hairdo. I could get up at a decent - not late, mind you, I'd still be working - but decent hour, go to the gym, and when some poor fool looked at his or her watch and said, "Damnit! I've got to be at work in five minutes!" I'd say, "Oh man, I know how that is, but now my job is to write a blog."

- I would become much better at this because, see, it would be my job. I'd be totally pumped everyday to entertain my (five or so) readers that I'd think up the neatest shit to share with everybody. Do you have cocktail parties, readers? ShhhhhhZAAAMMMMMM! I'd be AWESOME at cocktail parties. Your guests would be all, "Oh, hi, how are you, and what do you do?" and I'd be like, "I write this blog..." and they'd say, "Oh (all knowingly), is it about politics, the war or the entertainment industry?" and I'd say, "No, it's actually just about my life and, you know, the adventures I go on. Sometimes my dogs, or about how I'm getting married." And then (this is the best part), they'd go, "You are so interesting! Can I get you a drink?" And I'd say, "Well thanks! And sure! My wine glass is looking a little empty," and then we'd chuckle and all become best friends!

- My house would be cleaner, the bills would be paid on time and I'd be a better cook, philosopher and overall person. Let's say writing a really righteous blog post, when I get really good at it that is, takes 20 minutes - or maybe half an hour if I've got to use the thesaurus and all. That leaves me a day to do all the things I'd really like to do. I would vacuum once a week and create highly specialized manila folder systems for all my credit card bills. I would grow amazing plants and, get this, I'd give them away because I'd have so many species of flora and fauna in the house, doing so well, that I'd just put a potted, flowering beauty right in your hands and say, "Hey. This is for you. Because we're friends." Then I'd hand you a homemade piece of apple pie, and go, "Here's to friendship. It's the one thing that never needs any rationalizing." We'd kick back on the porch, watch the day go by and life would be a little better in general.