We were having this very nice weekend morning recently. I’d gone for a run, and was thinking about what we’d have for dinner (this is what I’m thinking about 95 percent of the time) and then, suddenly, some fight flared up between the kids, and I watched as Gabe kicked Nora - not hard really, but angrily, and definitely on purpose - and I walked to the table by our front door and took the lovely, woven basket where we stack the mail and I threw it at the floor. The mail went everywhere and I punctuated the moment by declaring that I was “SO sick of it”

Then I went out the door, got in the car and went for a little drive, fuming, and thinking about this movie I’d seen once on the Hallmark channel called “Mom’s Day Away,” which - listen to me - is not a good movie, but, appropriately, is about a mom who is fed up with her family and decides to take Mother’s Day off by leaving the house and doing whatever she wants. I think that while I was driving (I only went a modest mile or so), I might have even uttered aloud, “I’ll have a mom’s day away, just watch me!” before deciding it would be more prudent to turn the car around, go home and have a family talk about how to lessen the fighting in our house. Plus, we needed to get to Taekwondo and my little tirade was cutting it close on timing.

A few things: throwing a woven basket full of mail is not very dramatic! It is more in the “humorous displays of anger” category, the kind that Aidy so excels in (case in point, she got furious at bedtime last night because she “couldn’t remember how to be tired,” then took all the bedding off her bed and screamed “now you’ll have to watch me clean it up!” at me, while I sat outside her door scrolling political tweets and waiting until she was breathing at a normal rate and I could intervene.)

Throwing a glass plate would have made much more of an impact, but of course, would have also been dangerous and scary.

Also, my drive was very short and didn’t cause anyone much distress. Which is good. But, you know, not “Mom’s Day Away” exactly (for real, do not spend time watching this movie). “Mom’s Eight Minutes Away” is more accurate

But here is the thing that was notable and big about the moment. I didn’t feel badly about it. I usually do when I lose my temper, which I try not to do very often. But the fighting has been so frequent and disruptive lately. As I’ve written before, I do think it’ll pass, like all the other stages have (or at least that it will become less constant). Right now, though, it feels like I can’t learn my way out of it. I hate that.

I’ve been on a big learning kick the past couple years. Trying to implement the “right” habits and live my life in a way that promotes positive action.

God. I cannot even believe I wrote that sentence, but hey! This is what my early 40s is doing to me and I gotta say, I’m into it.

When I got overwhelmed by all my kids’ toys, I implemented some decluttering techniques. When I felt overwhelmed by grief I went to see a therapist, and wrote about it, too. When I felt overwhelmed by our schedule, I tried to pick up better scheduling techniques, and I started saying no to things when it was crazy to try and fit them in (I realize that saying “no” to events and invitations proactively is how some of you live your lives but, omg, it is very hard for me).

One idea in particular I really like: I’m reading this great book right now called “Burnout” (thanks for the rec, Steph!) and one of the pieces of advice in it is that when you are feeling weighed down by anger or sadness or anything due to world or personal issues, a good counter-tactic is to do something productive. And that the something doesn’t have to be related to the thing you’re having feelings about. Like, maybe you can’t single-handedly fix climate change, but you can take your dog for a run. Maybe you can’t stop all the screaming on a weekend morning, but you can declutter the front closet.

It feels so good to do that - to read about and adopt techniques to attack, rather than succumb to, the day.

And I’m sure there are some really good strategies out there for dealing with an unruly household of children. A household that I am so proud of and lucky to have, I need to add here. And who are not, notably, throwing pillows or kicking anyone at school, where they’re all having great years.

I’m sure I’ll learn them. But, guys. Whether your headache is kids fighting or spousal stuff or alllllllllllll the emotional labor or taking care of your parents or insane work hours or the infinite scream in your head when you think about politics and injustice and what in the world happened to the Iowa caucus technology, it’s so empowering to know there are ways to make it better. And ALSO that it sometimes feels wonderful to throw a basket of mail on the floor.

Sometimes it feels really good to recognize that it’s fine to exist in both those realms. Knowing that you don’t have the toolbox to fix the national mess or your personal chaos at the moment, and also that living this beautiful life deserves every ounce of your attention and anger and positivity. That you are gonna tear the goddamn IKEA bedding RIGHT off your little bed with the lambs on the headboard. And then, because you actually do want to go to sleep and face the clean slate of a new day, you’re going to angrily, productively, proudly, put them back on again.