“You know what would be awesome? If Nora walked in here with bagels and hot coffee and was like, ‘Hey guys, I made you breakfast. Thanks for taking such good care of me.’”

“She will someday. When she’s 24. And she’s home from medical school.”

“Oh. I see.”

“Or she’s back from the artists’ colony. Or out on bail.”

“So many choices.”

“What do you think Nora will be?”

“Good question.”

“I was just reading in National Geographic about plans to colonize Mars. Do you know how long it’s gonna take? To make Mars livable? It’s a thousand year plan.”

“So I guess she won’t be living on Mars.”

“No. Probably not.”

“I don’t like wearing my glasses.”

“Yeah. Do you feel like you’re not prepared for a fight?”

“YEAH! Totally. That’s exactly how I feel.”

“Yup. That’s why I don’t wear sandals. And neither does Max Bobbitt. Same reason.”

“So now you’ve taught me the difference between a column and a blog.”

“Yup.”

“A column is in a newspaper, and a blog is in the atmosphere.”

“On the Internet.”

“Whatever.”

Here are a few recent emails from my father.

From: Fred Rotondaro
To: Cara McDonough
date Fri, Aug 28, 2009 at 11:54 AM
subject: Have been stopped at road work block for ten minutes

No. Ia’$ catching up eith mopre.

______________________________

From: Fred Rotondaro
To: Cara McDonough
date Sun, Sep 13, 2009 at 9:14 PM
subject: Momyisms

Coming out of the Snug, I reached to help a woman about 40 who was losing her balance.
“That’s o k sir, I’m younger than you,” she said.
“Most everyone is, ” mom replied.

Walking today, Lucy was startled and frightened by a mean, barking dog.
She immediately went to the grass and pooped.
“That’s what I call being scared shitless,”. Says mom.
______________________________

From: Cara McDonough
To: Fred Rotondaro
date Fri, Sep 4, 2009 at 1:23 PM
subject: Just gave nora an olive

The strong, black oil cured kind.
She LOVED.

From: Fred Rotondaro
To: Cara McDonough
date Mon, Sep 7, 2009 at 6:07 PM
subject: Just gave nora an olive

Wuuunnnerful. The kid’s Italian.

______________________________

From: Fred Rotondaro
To: Cara McDonough
date Mon, Aug 31, 2009 at 8:40 PM
subject: Inside. Ea+itresses.

U still get your opwn of u eat outside

“I was a ladies’ man.”

“Wait. What? How old were you?”

“Third grade.”

“You were a ladies’ man in the third grade?”

“Yup. I loved all the ladies.”

“Loving all the ladies doesn’t make you a ladies’ man. In the third grade.”

“And they loved me.”

“How could you tell?”

“Oh, I could just tell.”

“It’s beautiful out. Where are all the kids that should be playing outside?”

“This is the problem with America.”

“You know what? Our kids are gonna play outside. They’re not gonna be playing video games all the time. Or watching TV. There are going to be restrictions.”

“Until the kids go to bed.”

“Right. Until the kids go to bed. Then we’ll watch tons of TV.”

“How’s it going? Dicksickle?”

“Naked fat woman.”

“They should put more things in bread bowls.”

“Oh yeah? Like what?”

“Like cereal.”

“No. No way. Worst idea ever.”

“Sometimes I wonder, if I saw one of my old high school teachers, what would I call them? Like, would I call them Mr. or Mrs. whatever? Or by their first name?”

“I think you’d call them whatever you called them in high school. I think that’s normal.”

“I mean…if I saw one of my old coaches, I’d definitely call them ‘coach.’”

“Sure. Makes sense.”

“One of my coaches, Coach Jacobs, was also my teacher. But he didn’t want us to call him ‘Mr. Jacobs.’ He was like, ‘Call me Coach Jacobs. Or Coach. Or Jake.’”

“Was his first name Jake?”

“No, his last name was Jacobs. And Jake is a nickname for Jacobs.”

“Well, sort of. Except that it’s usually a nickname for Jacob when it’s somebody’s first name. What was his first name?”

“Tom.”

An email my brother forwarded me from my father (subject matter not worth explaining.)

From: Fred Rotondaro
Date: Fri, Jun 13, 2008
To: Vinnie Rotondaro

I don’t remember that, long time since I read him.
About to do another piece.
Why catholics should vote for O.

Poop