“You know what I think saved me? The fact that I mostly drank white wine spritzers and light beer.”

“You really love those wine spritzers.”

“I know! Wine spritzers. White wine. Seltzer. Alcohol. Water to hydrate you. Refreshing.”

“Yeah. Makes sense.”

“Yup. I think I’m totally going to drink those now.”

“Welcome to middle age.”

A tweet from my Dad to start your day. Thanks to Mike to pointing this one out to me.

the O tax cuts would cover allmiddle Americans,97 pc of snail business owners, and none of the super rich. #tcot

— Fred Rotondaro (@PapaRaspa) July 10, 2012

(You can follow my father on twitter here. And you totally should.)

“Nora! Come look at the frost on your window!”

(pause)

“Is it frosting??”

“No. Frost. Because it’s so cold.”

“Because it’s so cold??”

“Yes. And the sun will melt it later today.”

“The sun will melt it??”

“Yes.”

(pause)

“And then we can eat it?”

“No. It’s not frosting. It’s frost.”

“Oh.”

(pause)

“Mommy.”

“Yes.”

“Is it frosting?”

“I went totally crazy on Etsy this morning!”

“That’s the gayest thing you’ve ever said.”

“Etsy’s not gay. I was looking up knives, and - ”

“GAYEST THING YOU’VE EVER SAID.”

I got an email from my father this morning and wanted to share it with all of you. It was especially timely as I experienced a near-fainting experience while I was getting my hair cut last night, after sitting still in a chair for too long (just like when the same thing happened last time), and I was kind of like, “Wow, maybe I’m over this.”

I really like this image of waking up to cupcakes and all and it is, from here on out, how I am going to envision my delivery.

From: Fred Rotondaro
To:Cara McDonough
Date: Fri, Mar 11, 2011 at 9:36 AM
Subject: If God Were a Woman

Pregnancy would last 27 days

The mom would have no weight gain. Fathers would gain approximately 5 times the weight of the child. Fathers would experience frequent gas pains.

Doctors would insist moms keep up their strength by drinking large amounts of strong red wine

On the morning of the 27th day, just before mom woke up, the child would slip quietly out of mom’s left ear.
As mom awoke, the child would give her coffee and cupcakes.
And would turn the tv to “Morning Joe.”

From then on, life would get better for mom.

If God Were A Woman.

Thank you, autocorrect. We think “albino” was supposed to be “album.”

*********************************************************

From: Fred Rotondaro
Date: January 2, 2011 12:51:55 PM EST
To: Vinnie Rotondaro

Vin
Something wrong withhold my e mail.
Luved the albino. He has a great voice. Deep and hauntIng reminds mmle of Paul robson.
Why have I never heard of him.

Your mom smiled and hurst her ankle. In bed recovering.

Tella happy birthday. Have dimmer on us.

Pop

The other day J and I saw a lawyer to attend to some very basic, non-interesting things. We haven’t had much experience with lawyers except when we closed on our house, and of course with friends of ours who are in the profession.

Basically, our knowledge of the transactions that take place in law offices has been gained through television and movies, and in that respect, man, do we know our stuff! So as we waited in the lobby I cautioned J that we were probably gonna be billed $500 an hour so we had better watch how much time we spend in there.

And then, when we were finally seated in the conference room, facing one another across a wide table with papers spread out between us, J giddily pointed out, “It is JUST LIKE we are getting a divorce!”

“What’s the difference between a pony and a horse? A pony is a special, smaller breed?”

“Not always. A pony can just be a horse of a certain size.”

“So, like, you’d be a pony. And I’d be a horse.”

“Exactly.”

Several days ago my parents left for a trip to Sicily. As their trips abroad have in the past, this one is sure to yield excellent electronic observations from my father and, in fact, already has. In the form of tweets. I don’t know if they’re really enjoying the Sicilian wine, or he’s just jetlagged or what, but please, for the love of God, if anyone has any interpretations, I am all ears.

no bad days yet in Permo good weathern every restayrnt s find lots indians cathedral was suroris big butno theme

Um. And then there’s:

It’s 1010 am. Question–got to buffer and have normal breakfast ot gp. Take back coffee, and lie abed another hour. Italian style csptureus

“This is nice. When you have a drink you’re like the old Justin.”

“What ‘old Justin’”

“The one I first met. Before we were even dating. So unbelievably easygoing.”

“That’s because when we first got together we were always drinking. The night we met? I was drinking. Every time we hung out? Drinking.”

“The best way to start a relationship.”