“How’s it going? Dicksickle?”

“Naked fat woman.”

“They should put more things in bread bowls.”

“Oh yeah? Like what?”

“Like cereal.”

“No. No way. Worst idea ever.”

“Sometimes I wonder, if I saw one of my old high school teachers, what would I call them? Like, would I call them Mr. or Mrs. whatever? Or by their first name?”

“I think you’d call them whatever you called them in high school. I think that’s normal.”

“I mean…if I saw one of my old coaches, I’d definitely call them ‘coach.’”

“Sure. Makes sense.”

“One of my coaches, Coach Jacobs, was also my teacher. But he didn’t want us to call him ‘Mr. Jacobs.’ He was like, ‘Call me Coach Jacobs. Or Coach. Or Jake.’”

“Was his first name Jake?”

“No, his last name was Jacobs. And Jake is a nickname for Jacobs.”

“Well, sort of. Except that it’s usually a nickname for Jacob when it’s somebody’s first name. What was his first name?”

“Tom.”

An email my brother forwarded me from my father (subject matter not worth explaining.)

From: Fred Rotondaro
Date: Fri, Jun 13, 2008
To: Vinnie Rotondaro

I don’t remember that, long time since I read him.
About to do another piece.
Why catholics should vote for O.

Poop

A young woman, in the midst of a conversation about food with her friend, paused briefly, smiled mischievously, and said, “Actually…I’m not a chowder person,” as though admitting that she does not wear underwear, or that she made out with her sister’s boyfriend last night.

From: Cara McDonough
To: Fred Rotondaro
Date: Thu, May 29, 2008

are you thinking up more baby names I hope? what were your grandparents’ names?

From: Fred Rotondaro
To: Cara McDonough
Date: Thu, May 29, 2008

My grandmother’s name pop’s side. Was mary. Grandfather vincent
Mom’s side. Grane and philip.

From: Cara McDonough
To: Fred Rotondaro
Date: Thu, May 29, 2008

Grane??

From: Fred Rotondaro
To: Cara McDonough
Date: Thu, May 29, 2008

Yes an oild napolitan name translated in english as. Grace

From: Cara McDonough
To: Fred Rotondaro
Date: Thu, May 29, 2008

Ok, Grace is a nice name.

From: Fred Rotondaro
To: Cara McDonough
Date: Thu, May 29, 2008

Grandma grace was a biitch. The dad

I was recently having dinner with some friends when the topic of elevator operators came up (who knows how these conversations over dinner evolve) and I told everyone that, in fact, my father had once been an elevator operator, much to their amusement.

It was one of those faint memories…something he’d mentioned to me ages ago that I found hilarious and then stored away in the back of my mind. And as soon as I recalled the story, I wanted more information, so I wrote to my father to ask him to provide some, which, naturally, he did.

(As always, I’m leaving the spelling and grammar intact, so as not to lessen the charm of these correspondences.)

From:Cara McDonough
To: Fred Rotondaro
Date: Wed, May 28, 2008

Didn’t you once hold a job as an elevator operator? Can you tell me about that?

From: Fred Rotondaro
To: Cara McDonough
Date: Wed, May 28, 2008

Ablut 50yearsago at the shawnee inn in the poco mount-ns. Owned by fred waring, a famous orchestra leader. Did it right out of high school.
It was fun. We got a room and naturally our. Meals0 0
Lots of young kids around but I was too naïve to realize how charmung I was.
The eleva(or was hand operated.
Pull. The lever down and you went down. Up and you went up.
But only three floors.
I don’t remember the people I ferried around except for one round faced guyb who I thought played the partner of jack webbin the tv series dragnat. Turned out he was a priest.
Wrong again

Pop

“I was walking around after work today, and I realized I never even think about the fact that I’m in New York City half the time I’m there. Like, I can see the Empire State Building when I get off the train, but I never thought to look. And then I was walking down 6th Avenue and there were all these people sitting in Bryant Park having coffee, and it was so-”

“Remember when we hung out near Gramercy Park?”

“Yup.”

“You know who lives near Gramercy Park?”

“No.”

“Ann Curry.”

“Really? How do you know-”

“With her husband, and her-”

“Why do you know all this?”

“And her two children, and-”

“Stalker.”

I received the below email from my father this afternoon.

A few notes:

Sue is my parents’ neighbor. She’s wonderful.
The email includes a couple of the baby names recently suggested by my family.
Those names (which will, by the way, probably not make the list) will tell you that J and I recently found out we’re having a girl…

From: Fred Rotondaro
To: Cara McDonough
Date: Fri, May 2, 2008 at 4:38 PM

Just told Sue about little alfreda or is it bambi. She’s going to sew botties for you. Pops

I was feeling pretty distracted the other day. The baby thing has suddenly become more of a reality, like, oh my God, we’re going to have a BABY, and it’s hard not to get excited. Like, excited all the time. Thinking of nothing else. And it’s not that feeling excited is a bad feeling - quite the opposite. But I did find myself a little worried. Worried that I might not be able to concentrate on other things that have always been important to me, now that this big news is taking over our lives. Like work, and my life-long goals and aspirations. I mean, will I ever be able to regain my concentration? Well, of course I will, but the other day I wasn’t so sure, so I wrote to my father and told him how I was feeling. And this is what he had to say…

From: Fred Rotondaro
To: Cara McDonough
Date: Tue, Apr 29, 2008 at 1:09 PM

It’s so normal to feel as you do.
You’re agreat writer and you’ve done this for five years
Ahappy and great wife
And the best daughter for thirty years anybody ever had
But you’ve never been a mother before. So this new phenomena. This new reason for being will quite naturally grab you and hold you and make everything else feel not quite so intense.
The papa