A while back, back before we packed up all our things and said our goodbyes and moved from North Carolina to our temporary home here in Maryland, J and I talked about the fact that these months - before we officially move up to New Haven and he officially starts at Yale - would be some of only months off we’d have for a while.
I mean, sure, we’ll have vacations and I don’t think we’ll never get to a point in our life where we stop traveling. It’s something we love to do and there are still a lot of places we want to see.
The point being, I don’t see these few months off as our last chance to do something cool or anything like that, but we agreed that we should make the most of this time. And we started talking about the possibility of taking a cross country trip, because it’s something both of us have always wanted to do.
After we got up here to the Bay we were busier than we expected. We both had work and were hanging out a lot with friends and family. We started thinking about things like looking for a house to buy, and our travel plans kind of got sidetracked until we started to talk about it all again recently.
We talked with people about how we should really do something worthwhile with this time off. Like go to Europe for a solid month. Or go somewhere really far away, like Tahiti or New Zealand.
I’ll admit - when I think about all the things we could possibly do it kind of makes me crazy - in a good way, totally, but it’s still a bit overwhelming. Are we insane if we don’t spend a month exploring France? Are we not adventurous enough if we aren’t jumping at the chance to jet off to India or China, simply because we have the time?
The thing is, the two of us keep coming back to this cross country idea. While we’ve both been to a fair number of states, thanks to having good friends we can visit, I’ve always been intrigued by the idea of really spending some time getting to know this country. Like John Steinbeck in “Travels With Charley.”
I guess I also feel that we’re at exactly the right age to make this adventure part road trip/part cultural experience/part relaxation. We like to sleep in beds and take showers regularly and all, so I don’t really fear we’d be exhausted and drunk and without shelter at the end of each day. We’re almost 30. We’re better planners than that.
While our trip certainly isn’t set in stone, I thought I’d put this out there because I thought some of you might have some helpful suggestions, enthusiastic recommendations or even negative comments (”Weeks in car with your husband, are you crazy?”)
Plus, your aunt and uncle? Who live in North Dakota who no one ever visits because, come on, it’s North Dakota, maybe they, I don’t know, want to have two fairly cute and very polite strangers over for ice cream or something sometime soon.
“Cara, what are you doing? All this work? All these calls? What’s going on?”
“Yeah! I’ve got to get stuff done! We’ve got to buy a house! We’ve got to figure out an affordable mortgage! I’ve got to find a job! It’s takes time! What are you doing?”
“Making ants on a log.”
Despite the fact that we are living a somewhat schedule-free life out here, Monday is still, well, Monday, and I woke up today in a particularly bad mood. I know. Ridiculous! Here I am in one of my favorite spots on Earth, I’ve got time to relax and am surrounded by people I love, and I’m in a bad mood.
I tend to get pretty down on myself when this happens (of course, making the mood worse). I’m an incredibly fortunate person and so I know I need to put things in perspective.
My mood stemmed from the fact that a few projects I’d been working on just ended and I was a little bored, plus the fact that searching for jobs up north wasn’t yielding anything worthwhile and then, after a weekend hanging out with friends and family we were once again alone at the house. And if I know anything about myself, it’s that I need to be around people on regular basis. It’s good for my soul. It’s simply my personality.
Then, naturally, I started thinking about all the people we know in North Carolina and how we don’t live there anymore, and how I need a career and how searching for a place to live is really overwhelming and before I knew it I wanted to get back into bed and stay there all day.
Yeah, you don’t need to tell me - the complaints of someone who has a really great life and should shut it, I know. I totally know.
This was a totally self-absorbed and pointless bad mood and I knew it. The kind where you start thinking you’re no good at anything and then realize how unbelievably stupid that is to think because, Jesus, of course I’m good at things! I’m no rocket scientist but I can hold down a job, for one. And even better, I can do well at that job. I’ve got skills. I can write stories. That are fit to be printed! In newspapers! For the public to read! So there’s no need to get all mopey.
Even though I know all that, I knew how silly I was being, I guess there is something to say for being in a bad mood - and working through that bad mood - just for the sake of it. I mean, I’m allowed, just like everybody else, to be angry or sad or pessimistic. In fact, some really nice things sometimes come out of the need to shake a bad mood. Like long baths. And hot tea. And buying new shoes.
The other good news is that another thing I just so happen to be good at is getting over it - and when I’m in the worst of my doldrums (which, frankly, are rare, I tend to be a rather - although I hope not annoyingly so - cheerful person) I know, at least, that whatever the problem is, the mood probably won’t last long.
Today, because I didn’t want to take it all out on my husband who was doing actual, real, hard work upstairs at the computer, I decided to go for a drive, maybe get some coffee at the Starbucks that’s over near Annapolis and just calm down and collect my thoughts. Maybe make up a “to do” list, which inevitably makes me feel better. Maybe list some places I could look for work, and jot down some notes about how to schedule my time better while we’re in this sort-of vacation mode.
While I was driving, going over it all, I started thinking about how I’d communicate my feelings if I were writing them down. I do this a lot in all kinds of situations, and I don’t know if that’s because I’m weird or if that’s just what everybody does. If filmmakers view their lives in film form, if company managers think about how they’d manage their life problems in the office.
Because I write, I sometimes think as though I were writing. That’s one of the primary reasons I like having a blog. It gives me an output for the written thoughts constantly zooming around in my head. And the fact that there are a bunch of you willing to read it? That makes it a million times better.
In fact, that’s what I started thinking about on my drive to Starbuck’s. How people - some of whom I know, and some I do not…some I hang out with regularly, and some I’ve only met in passing or through the power of the internet - read about my life from time to time and thus are connected to me in this very cool way.
And how I could come home and, if I wanted, write about my bad mood. Not that anyone is forcing you to read these lengthy musings and, for God’s sakes, I hope you are skipping any passages that might happen to be incredibly boring (I don’t, after all, have an editor here on the uncensored web), but, honestly, I love it that you’re reading this! How utterly wonderful and completely un-lonely and awesome.
Thinking about that, of course, is when I started to not only feel better, but feel really good. I also realized I owe you all, big time.
So if any of you - those I know, those I don’t - ever want to come over for some coffee or something (I’m getting really good at using the French press pot, by the way), or even send me a really, really long email, and tell me about something funny that happened, or a bad mood you were in, or just, you know, your day, as boring or eventful as it happened to be, you are so very, very welcome to do just that.
